Tag Archives: heart ache

Too Much Loss

by admin Posted on May 16, 2013

If you’ve read my blog recently, you know I had to put my beloved Golden Retriever to sleep. She had been sick off and on for months. We tried medications, tests, etc. but when she was bleeding out of nose … Continue reading →

Posted in Family, Happiness, Self-Care, Spirituality, Suffering | Tagged addiction, alcoholism, breakup, change, chemical dependency, cirrhosis, drinking, family, God, grief, heart ache, Higher power, loss, love, negativity, pain, recovery, relationships, self medicating, self pity, service, sobriety, story | 2 Comments

Coping with Loss

by admin Posted on April 22, 2013

I am suffering. Physically and emotionally. I have lost count of the number of times I’ve thought “fuck everything” today. I know I’ve said it aloud at least twice. I’ve also been querying the Universe, “What is the point?” I … Continue reading →

Posted in Acceptance, Depression, Relationships, Spirituality, Suffering | Tagged heart ache, self medicating, self-care | Leave a comment

The List, Part I

by admin Posted on January 29, 2013

My sponsor told me months ago that I needed to make a list. A list of all the things I am powerless over. I haven’t made that list. I think it’s time. I don’t know how to do this, this life thing. I am not doing this life thing well at all. But change, it’s too big, daunting. Continue reading →

Posted in Acceptance, Emotional Sobriety, Expectation, Family, Fear, My Story, Regret, Relapse, Relationships, Spirituality, Suffering | Tagged addiction, alcoholism, change, chemical dependency, drinking, family, fear, heart ache, negativity, recovery, relationships, sobriety, spirituality, substance abuse | Leave a comment

It Gets Different

by admin Posted on December 21, 2011

I’ve been a bit up and down this season. One of my best friends reminded me yesterday that a few weeks ago, I was spouting enthusiasm and good cheer. Then last week I was pissy and crabby. I’ve mellowed out a bit and now find myself somewhere in the middle. Continue reading →

Posted in Acceptance, Family, Holidays, Spirituality, Suffering | Tagged addiction, alcoholism, change, chemical dependency, drinking, family, God, grateful, gratitude, grief, heart ache, Higher power, joy, loss, love, recovery, relationships, self medicating, self pity, self-care, sobriety, spirituality, substance abuse, willingness | 2 Comments

Holiday. Celebrate.

by admin Posted on November 18, 2011

I spent 10 years absolutely dreading and abhorring November 1 through January 2. During those months, I would feel the loss of my family times a thousand. Everything– the music, the rituals, neighborly cheer, decorations, even family strife– drove home one singular idea– I was all alone. When my nephew was born, bless his adorable and huge heart, I began to soften. I let in a miniscule inkling of merriment. Yet I continued to drink. Hide. Numb out. Until I got desperate and sick enough to get dry. Luckily I had about seven months before my first sober holiday season. It was interesting. Painful. Weird. Continue reading →

Posted in Depression, Emotional Sobriety, Family, Fun, Gratitude, Holidays, Parties, Relationships, Socializing, Spirituality | Tagged addiction, alcoholism, attitude, change, chemical dependency, Christmas, drinking, family, Gifts, grateful, gratitude, grief, heart ache, Holidays, joy, love, Merriment, service, Shopping, sobriety, spirituality, story, Stress, substance abuse, Thanksgiving | Leave a comment

Great Expectations

by admin Posted on November 10, 2011

This post is an in-depth review of Charles Dickens’ Great Expectations and how it mirrors my own life. Psych! I’ve never read Great Expectations. I considered my obligatory readership of Dickens complete after Bleak House, Nicholas Nickelby, and (of course) A Christmas Carol. Nah, I am referring to the “great expectations” we humans tend to have (for ourselves and those around us). And how those “great expectations” set us up for perpetual disappointment and eventual suffering. Continue reading →

Posted in Acceptance, Emotional Sobriety, Expectation, Fear, Gratitude, Mindfulness, Self-Care, Spirituality, Uncategorized | Tagged acceptance, addiction, attitude, change, control, emotional sobriety, expectations, fear, grateful, gratitude, grief, heart ache, Higher power, mindfulness, negativity, positive thinking, recovery, sobriety, spirituality, willfulness, willingness | 2 Comments

Happy Birthday to Mom

by admin Posted on November 3, 2011

What is the significance of a birthday when that person is no longer around to celebrate it? Is it just a number in an obit, a carving on a grave stone? Do we remember death dates rather than birthdays? And if so, why? Or do we recall them on all pertinent occasions and thereby, depending on our location on the grief spectrum, experience: 1) sadness; 2) anger; 3) depression; 4) disbelief; and/or 5) a bittersweet/healthy acknowledgment of that person and what they meant/mean to you? Continue reading →

Posted in Family, Gratitude, My Story, Relationships, Spirituality | Tagged addiction, alcoholism, chemical dependency, cirrhosis, drinking, family, fear, God, grateful, gratitude, grief, heart ache, Higher power, joy, loss, love, pain, self pity, sobriety, spirituality, story, substance abuse | Leave a comment

My Big Girl Words

by admin Posted on October 28, 2011

A large part of my recovery has been a re-learning of social “norms.” Turns out I A large part of my recovery has been a re-learning of social “norms.” Turns out I used alcohol as a lubricant for nearly all human interactions. Once I dried up and out, I had to acclimate. I was forced to not only address what was going on in my crazy mind and talk about it so I could stay sober, but I had to figure out how to play with others. Continue reading →

Posted in Conflict, Family, Fear, Help, Patience, Relationships, Self-Care, Socializing, Uncategorized | Tagged addiction, alcoholism, change, chemical dependency, cirrhosis, drinking, family, fear, grief, heart ache, Higher power, loss, negativity, pain, recovery, relationships, self-care, sobriety, spirituality, substance abuse, willingness | Leave a comment

Good Self Care and Recovery

by admin Posted on October 2, 2011

For a few days following my Happy Birthday To Me post, I was in a little bit of a funk. Nothing major. Just a bit remorseful, lethargic, and irritated. Not about or at anything or anyone in particular. In general. Which is precisely what happens when I fail to consistently practice “good self care.” Continue reading →

Posted in Conflict, Gratitude, Help, Mindfulness, Patience, Relationships, Self-Care, Spirituality | Tagged addiction, alcoholism, change, chemical dependency, drinking, entitlement, God, grateful, gratitude, grief, heart ache, Higher power, joy, love, mindfulness, positive thinking, recovery, relationships, self pity, self-care, self-talk, sobriety, spirituality, substance abuse, willingness | Leave a comment

No More I’m Sorrys

by admin Posted on August 21, 2011

When I drank, I’m sorry was a go-to phrase. I’m sorry I got so drunk and embarrassed you in front of your friends, and so forth. I’m sorry was always followed by I was drunk. I don’t remember doing that. I am going to stop drinking. People get real tired of the I’m sorrys and the vows to stop drinking. Laughably predictable, the words mean shit. Continue reading →

Posted in Conflict, Fear, Patience, Problem Solving, Relationships, Self-Care, Spirituality | Tagged addiction, alcoholism, attitude, change, chemical dependency, drinking, fear, grief, heart ache, love, recovery, self pity, self-care, spirituality, substance abuse, willingness | 2 Comments