My latest contributions to my blog have sparked interest in how I reconcile “putting my life online” with the principle of anonymity, and other issues. Here’s my response to that. When I first started this blog, I had no idea … Continue reading
…when he said, F**k You. Or, Forget You. I prefer “F**k You.” I like saying f**k. F**k f**k f**kitty f**k f**k. I have never been good at forgetting anything (although I LOVE Sharon Jones & The Dap Kings’ Better Things). And finally, F**k You suits the tune better. While we are on suits, check out Cee Lo’s pink getup. Classic stuff… You likely can deduce that I am pissed. I am. I am pissed. Things suck right now. I say that without judgment. The most spiritual beings are allowed to be pissed and are expected to feel things suck from time to time. Continue reading
Anyway, there I was, clad in a hospital gown for fat elephant, on a bed made for the tallest skinny person ever, grasping my knees into the fetal position. The nurse did her thing and then I did mine. I made a couple pathetic runs across the hall to use the bathroom, each time, returning to my room with no real progress to report. I believe the word I used yesterday was undignified. Never in my life have I been in such an awkward, vulnerable state… Continue reading
I intended for this to be an ultra-serious discourse on my powerlessness over alcohol and the chemical imbalances in my brain. Alas, it just wasn’t happening. It’s Friday night and I am fried. Instead I’d like to talk about the weather. Addiction and mental illness on deck for next week. Continue reading
Typically I go to a meeting on Saturday morning. This morning I decided to stay home with my hot coffee and warm blanket. Now, I don’t want to admit this (because I can already hear the unspoken “I told you so”) but I should have gone to my meeting. If not for myself, for others. We depend on one another to show up and to be of service. This morning I was selfish.
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I always feel a bit blue come January. This year I am particularly blue because the holidays were awesome! We had a ball. And now… well, now what? I feel disappointed and a bit confused. I struggle with orienting myself to time and space without the holidays and New Year before me. I am in a spiritual funk. I want what’s just beyond my reach. But I don’t want to have to work for it. Continue reading
I’ve been avoiding this blog. Sure, I’d prefer you think me too busy and important to sit down and write. Truth be told, I’ve been afraid. I have been wrestling with some yucky demons and the thought of putting pen to paper or fingertips to keyboard has made me turn green. Continue reading
As I drove home from an early-morning meeting today, I realized something major. I was thinking about NOTHING. For those of you who haven’t had the exquisite pain and pleasure of experiencing addiction, this probably sounds quite silly. Or negative. For someone like me, with a diseased, addicted brain, it’s absolutely wonderful and miraculous. Continue reading
I had the pleasure of spending an hour with a bunch of alcoholics earlier this afternoon. I say pleasure because it truly is… One nugget I heard today that’s stuck with me came from an older gentleman in recovery. He was talking about life– how it’s never easy. We might stop drinking, start to figure out emotional sobriety, and feel better, but life will continue on. And in his oral navigation of the tricky terrain of living, he said something along the lines of, “someone shit in my cornflakes.” Continue reading
For those of you who have continued reading my blog, I thank you. I am also brimming over with gratitude and appreciation for the support, counsel, and love people have shown me since I came clean about my relapse. I didn’t expect it and the little brat inside me feels I don’t deserve it. But I am trying hard to extend compassion to myself too as staying stuck only keeps me in that gross place of self-obsession, self-pity, and utter and complete selfishness. Continue reading