I’ve long thought that hand-in-hand with intelligence comes misery. I don’t mean that offensively, merely that with the greater propensity for retrospection and deep thought comes a greater propensity for unhappiness. I also have the experience to support that hand-in-hand … Continue reading
Yesterday was May 11. That is significant for two reasons: 1) It was my sober date; and 2) It was my relapse date. Last year, after three years of recovery, I relapsed. On my sober date. It was at a … Continue reading
My sponsor told me months ago that I needed to make a list. A list of all the things I am powerless over. I haven’t made that list. I think it’s time. I don’t know how to do this, this life thing. I am not doing this life thing well at all. But change, it’s too big, daunting. Continue reading
Typically I go to a meeting on Saturday morning. This morning I decided to stay home with my hot coffee and warm blanket. Now, I don’t want to admit this (because I can already hear the unspoken “I told you so”) but I should have gone to my meeting. If not for myself, for others. We depend on one another to show up and to be of service. This morning I was selfish.
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I am in need of a major nutting up. Not the old-fashioned, pull Andrea up by her bootstraps crap– that’s ineffective and punishing– but nutting up as in saying so long to the what-ifs, opening my eyes, pulling my fingers from my ears, and working with what’s been right in front of me all along. Continue reading
As I drove home from an early-morning meeting today, I realized something major. I was thinking about NOTHING. For those of you who haven’t had the exquisite pain and pleasure of experiencing addiction, this probably sounds quite silly. Or negative. For someone like me, with a diseased, addicted brain, it’s absolutely wonderful and miraculous. Continue reading
Complacency is the poison to my happiness. It is only when I am not complacent that I get to happy. But once I arrive in happy, I lean back into complacency. Then, like clockwork, I find myself disgruntled, pissy, selfish. Continue reading
I’ve been tossing around a sentiment oft-shared among alcoholics. Consider this statement: “Alcohol stopped working for me.” Translation? Alcohol once did something for me. I totally get this…but I wouldn’t admit it for a long time. The idea of recalling or revealing any positive associations with alcohol seemed dangerous. As though thoughts of how booze made me giggle, eased me into social situations, alleviated my anxiety around sex, would propel me into relapse. Continue reading
I have been preoccupied this morning. Two thoughts have hijacked my brain. I find it difficult to get down to business and focus. The first thing I am mulling over is time. The second issue on my mind is O.P.P. and not Naughty by Nature’s O.P.P. Get your mind out of the gutter. No, my O.P.P. stands for “other people’s perceptions.” Continue reading
Hang out with recovering alcoholics long enough and you will inevitably hear the words, “the obsession was lifted for me.” What they are referring to is the obsession to drink. Some recovering alcoholics find that once they start working a program, the obsession leaves them. Lucky buggers. Continue reading