Category Archives: Expectation

The List, Part I

by admin Posted on January 29, 2013

My sponsor told me months ago that I needed to make a list. A list of all the things I am powerless over. I haven’t made that list. I think it’s time. I don’t know how to do this, this life thing. I am not doing this life thing well at all. But change, it’s too big, daunting. Continue reading →

Posted in Acceptance, Emotional Sobriety, Expectation, Family, Fear, My Story, Regret, Relapse, Relationships, Spirituality, Suffering | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Saturday Morning Epiphany and Other Light Stuff

by admin Posted on January 5, 2013

Probably the single best thing about being an alcoholic, for me, is getting to sit in a room with a bunch of people who are exactly like me. I share my crazies and I see multiple women nod in response. They get me; they are me. There is no shame, no stigma. I feel my blood pressure drop and my shoulders, neck, and face relax. I don’t have to be anything to anyone other than who I am. Continue reading →

Posted in Antidepressants, Depression, Expectation, Fear, Mental Illness, My Story, Spirituality | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I Admit It: I Am Terrified

by admin Posted on September 29, 2012

I’ve been flirting with my “wise mind” for the last couple months. What I mean by that is that while I am usually aware that I am reacting, responding irrationally, and have the tools to stop and return to sanity, I don’t always do it. It’s as though I haven’t totally committed myself to a spiritual path. And that’s not for lack of desire. I desperately want that peace of mind, that serenity, that quiet space again. But I’ve been holding back from facing everything. Continue reading →

Posted in Antidepressants, Emotional Sobriety, Expectation, Family, Holidays, Patience, Problem Solving, Service, Socializing, Suffering | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Nutting Up

by admin Posted on September 16, 2012

I am in need of a major nutting up. Not the old-fashioned, pull Andrea up by her bootstraps crap– that’s ineffective and punishing– but nutting up as in saying so long to the what-ifs, opening my eyes, pulling my fingers from my ears, and working with what’s been right in front of me all along. Continue reading →

Posted in Emotional Sobriety, Expectation, Fear, Gratitude, Negativity, Problem Solving, Relapse, Self-Care, Spirituality | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Gray Matter

by admin Posted on January 8, 2012

It took months, years, of recovery, therapy, and dialectical behavior therapy before I could begin withstanding the grayness in everything and everyone. I still struggle with it. It is far easier for me to dismiss people or places as being awful and unworthy than to acknowledge the humanity, the flaws in absolutely all that exists. Because to recognize others’ flaws is to concede to my own. Which can be ugly. Or enlightening. Depending on the life lens. I filtered everything through the ugly lens for 32 years. Continue reading →

Posted in Acceptance, Emotional Sobriety, Expectation, Fun, Openness, Self-Care, Spirituality | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Try a Little Gratitude

by admin Posted on December 16, 2011

I am in trouble this morning. It’s not that I want a drink specifically. I am not fantasizing about one particular beverage or ritual. It’s more an all-around desire to escape. Disappear. To not feel anything. Now, this doesn’t happen to me all that often. Thank you, Universe! Yet when that gnarly voice does sneak up, it’s sudden. And it invokes a sensation akin to dropping a bench press weight on one’s chest: unavoidably distracting, awkward, and painful. Continue reading →

Posted in Acceptance, Conflict, Emotional Sobriety, Expectation, Family, Gratitude, Mindfulness, Openness, Regret, Relationships, Self-Care, Spirituality, Suffering | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

The Amazing Accumulation of Stuff

by admin Posted on November 15, 2011

I have been prepping for my big move. While I kind of dreaded the process of parsing through all of my material possessions, I made a discovery; there’s something super cathartic about the unburdening of stuff. I’m altogether familiar with the comfort in releasing emotional stuff in recovery. What I didn’t know was that the letting go of physical stuff is similarly therapeutic. With each Goodwill bag I fill, I feel lighter. Happier. Continue reading →

Posted in Emotional Sobriety, Expectation, My Story, Self-Care, Spirituality, Suffering | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Great Expectations

by admin Posted on November 10, 2011

This post is an in-depth review of Charles Dickens’ Great Expectations and how it mirrors my own life. Psych! I’ve never read Great Expectations. I considered my obligatory readership of Dickens complete after Bleak House, Nicholas Nickelby, and (of course) A Christmas Carol. Nah, I am referring to the “great expectations” we humans tend to have (for ourselves and those around us). And how those “great expectations” set us up for perpetual disappointment and eventual suffering. Continue reading →

Posted in Acceptance, Emotional Sobriety, Expectation, Fear, Gratitude, Mindfulness, Self-Care, Spirituality, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments