It’s been a rocky few weeks. I haven’t been in the best place emotionally or spiritually. And that translates into me not taking care of myself and leaning on others. I am grateful for reminder, however painful, that, in the words of my beloved therapist, I need to bake my own cake.
Thus far, my Memorial Day has been a holiday of conversation. Frank, hard discussions with people I love dearly. For the first time in a long while, my brain is emptying out and I feel something close to peaceful.
So what’s been going on with me? I’ve been mired down by fear and wading in turbulent self pity. Full of resentments, expectations, and worries. A general lack of clarity. Confusion. Regret. Remorse. All the stuff that gets me in trouble.
Just a few minutes ago, I spoke with my friend about the merits of a daily meditation practice. How cultivating such a discipline might calm me. She said something that is sticking with me. A mantra of sorts. Notice. Let Go. Start Over.
Meditation isn’t about shutting off the mind or eradicating all thought. Rather, it’s about quieting the mind. Noticing our own thoughts. Then letting them go. Finally, starting over. More thoughts. More noticing. More letting go. More starting over.
There’s something about this that resonates in a larger, more universal sense for me. I’ve been noticing things– mainly about myself–that unsettle and displease me. And rather than just acknowledging them, minding them appropriately, setting them free, and beginning again, I’ve been sitting in them. Feeling bad. Judging. Ever judging. Familiar loops of you’re not good enough, no one loves you, this is all going to end and you will be alone like your mom, take over my rational mind, leaving me incapable of reasoned thought.
Interesting though… I could probably milk this for weeks, months even. Destroy everything I’ve worked so hard for. Allow myself to revert to drinking Andrea. Isolate. Climb into me and die.
I choose something different. No matter how humbling and challenging different can be. I spent yesterday wallowing. Today I notice what’s been going on, let it go, and start over.
It’s pretty sweet that, unless I get hit by a bus or something, I can begin again. This very minute. I don’t have to wait for tomorrow to start fresh. My intentions– being of service, loving, and living in the moment– are already set into motion as I write this.
I feel blessed for my mind, no matter its innate nuttiness. There will always be insanity. But there is also, always, choice.
Endless peace and love to all.