Sometimes I eat an entire brick of chocolate because I am craving a drink.
Sometimes I get to the final nibbles of that Cadbury milk chocolate bar and think, holy shit, I need ten more.
Sometimes putting together IKEA furniture is enough to send me spinning.
Sometimes I experience such intense panic that it stops me in my tracks. And all I can do is breathe.
Sometimes I want to just say FUCK IT.
Right now is one of those times. The past two hours have been awash with unhealthy thoughts about relapse, excuses to go backward, reasons to stop working so hard. Wish I could tell you why but all I can come up with is this– I am an addict. My fear and humanity creep up on me when I least expect it. It is what it is.
And so I tell on myself… in this rather brief format. Because I don’t want to dwell on it but I have to get it out.
Thanks for listening.
Peace and love.
Im the daughter of an alcoholic mother who died of alcoholic hepatitis when i was fifteen years old, after years of abuse and a hellish childhood. I wish she had had your strength. I wish she had taken responsibility in the way you are, and not just lain back blaming the world for her problems and denying she was ruining both her life, and those of her two young children. So you may not know me, but i felt the need to say keep going, and that no matter how much you may have fucked up before, you are doing so much better than some. At least you are accepting,and trying to change. You should be proud of that. Fuck it, have ten bars of cadburys, if thats what it takes, then do it. xxx
Hi Katie,
Thank you for writing and sharing. I too am the daughter of an alcoholic mother who died from the disease (cirrhosis, when I was 29). I am so sorry for your loss and for what you had to live with… alcoholics are by nature selfish and irrational beings. It is so much easier to blame others for what we see as life’s unfairnesses than to take responsibility and make changes in ourselves. I try, every day, to do better– by myself and by everyone I come in contact with. Thank you for reminding me of why I stay this path. Peace and love to you.
Andrea